COMMENTARY—December 18, 2000

Perfect Mothering?

As I have written often throughout my essays, I am not a perfect mother. Although I may rue this fact, I understand that perfection in life is not possible. Yet I must write once again that the purpose of my writing is not to excoriate mothers for not doing a great job of rearing their children. This Web site is supposed to provide encouraging and enlightening information about child-rearing, and if it fails to do so, then I am clearly not fulfilling my mission with this Web site.

Over the past several weeks, I have received somewhat negative feedback, second-hand and direct, from some visitors to the site. I was advised by one friend to “tone down the rhetoric.” I admit that it must be difficult for some women to read that biology dictates that women breastfeed their babies on demand for a minimum of two years; that healthy babies awaken normally through the night, perhaps for years; that babies should co-sleep intimately with a breastfeeding mother; that babies should be carried in their mothers’ arms as often as possible; and that babies need their mothers.

I am very frank about the needs of young babies. I am so candid that the editor of a major alternative parenting magazine informed me that my writing was “not reader-friendly and that a mother could not sit down and relax while reading one of my articles.” In other words, I have received criticism of my writing about child-rearing before.

If one were to look at this Web site and declare that the information is overwhelming, I would argue that it is the reality of babies’ needs that may be intimidating. Indeed, when many parents scan child-rearing books, they want and expect to read any advice that will simplify their lives. Thus, if it means that parents will sleep better if babies are “taught” or “trained” to sleep on their own for a long stretch of time through the night, then babies will be trained to do exactly that.

Similarly, if parents are told that babies will sleep longer after drinking infant formula and that infant formula is convenient, then parents may choose against breastfeeding. If parents are advised that they need to keep a distance from their babies in order to prevent them from becoming spoiled, then parents may let their young babies cry unattended for inordinately long periods of time. If one considers current standards of child-rearing, it becomes evident that the advice given is often for the well-being of parents and not the children.

After perusing many child-rearing books, I would have to aver that nearly all of them cater to the well-being of parents. When they do consider the well-being of the children, the author or authors always broach parents gingerly. For example, if the subject of breastfeeding is mentioned, parents are always advised that although breast milk is superior, infant formula is just as good. The proposition that parents consider the benefits of breastfeeding is usually coupled with the reassurance that those women who cannot breastfeed should not feel guilty. The guilt of parents is always alleviated by the child-rearing experts who do not place the welfare of children first.

In recent years, some pediatricians who advocate the well-being of babies have started a new approach to advocating breastfeeding: they think that parents should feel guilty for not breastfeeding. The argument is that if parents feel guilty for not properly buckling their young children into car seats or for smoking cigarettes in the presence of young children who receive dangerous second-hand smoke, then parents should definitely feel guilty about not breastfeeding.

The evidence from both scientific and social perspectives demonstrates the vast superiority of breastfeeding over infant formula feeding. If the general public and health professionals are aware of the superiority of breastfeeding, then young children are surely being shortchanged since more than 30% of young children are not breastfed at all. The percentage of babies who get to breastfeed for more than a few months, six months, or even one year gets progressively smaller. It is the rare American baby who breastfeeds beyond one year of age. In other words, there are millions of parents who should be feeling very guilty about not breastfeeding their children.

So what is the big deal about breastfeeding, especially in light of the fact that so few mothers choose to breastfeed? Well, breastfeeding is much more than just a source of milk for babies. Breastfeeding is the epitome of human interaction that helps to shape the humane character of a developing child.

Breastfeeding, by necessity, entails intimacy between mother and child that ensures the humane development of a child. Naturally, this will not be the case if a mother spews out hateful and prejudiced views on life as she breastfeeds her child. Fortunately, most mothers who breastfeed on demand are loving, caring, and dedicated beings who exemplify humanistic attributes. Ultimately, breastfeeding requires a mother to give of herself more than she ever suspected she could.

Many parents decry a mother's need to give of herself for her baby. Just consider the plethora of equipment that today's parents can buy to soothe a newborn: a pacifier to plug a baby's mouth, a toy animal that is stuffed with a tape of sounds mimicking a mother's womb, a crib and nursery that are decorated with images meant to catch a newborn's eye, a musical mobile hung over a baby to distract her, a stroller in which to rock a baby, and much more.

The primary objective of all these things is to delay a mother's interaction with her baby. It is as if these things must be tried to calm a baby before resorting to the use of a mother's comforting arms and breasts. Breastfeeding is often used as a last resort as if a baby does not deserve the comfort of mother’s reassuring presence too soon.

When my nephew was four months old, I was appalled to see my sister wearing a long dress that gave her exclusively breastfed baby no access to breastfeeding. Her baby cried often, and she tried to cajole him with anything and everything in order to calm him. After he screeched for a while, she finally laid down and breastfed him, her dress reaching up to her armpits. I recall that sight only because my sister had fallen prey to the common misperception that babies need everything but the breast.

The breast is often viewed as a source of nourishment that can be used every few hours. The common refrain is that “the baby cannot be hungry again!” Child-rearing experts who advocate regimented parenting styles convince parents that babies do not need to drink milk more than every three to four hours even though this advice flies in the face of the biology of breastfeeding.

Adults may need to eat only two or three times per day, but babies are in need of nearly constant nourishment in the early months of life. This only makes sense since, during pregnancy, the fetus receives a continuous infusion of nutrients from her mother's bloodstream via the placenta. What parents fail to understand is that infant formula, a derivative of cow's milk, is profoundly different from breast milk.

An infant formula-fed baby may need to drink formula only every three to four hours because the protein in formula is so difficult to digest. In contrast, breast milk is so easily digestible that a baby may need to nurse as often as every hour. When a baby is breastfed so often, she receives not only frequent nourishment but also love, touch, caring, and attention.

Breastfeeding is much more than just a source of milk, and we need to recognize that it helps to define what makes us parents and what makes our children our unique responsibility. Breastfeeding provides the indispensably important presence of a loving mother, the key factor that helps to promote a healthy child's development. If the well-being of young children was considered first and foremost, then breastfeeding would become an integral part of child-rearing practices.

Although some visitors to this Web site may believe that the contents of this site are irrelevant, particularly if they chose or choose not to breastfeed, I think otherwise. The biased opinions of non-breastfeeding parents influence whether or not a new mother chooses to breastfeed her newborn. If more members of the general public are willing to speak out and to educate others about the benefits of breastfeeding, we will be that much closer to utilizing a fantastic gift of Nature that bestows good health and excellent well-being upon our young children.

If breastfeeding were not so beneficial, there would be no need for this educational Web site. Breastfeeding, however, is completely underappreciated, and it is very important that we consider how much more we can do for our children. Breastfeeding on demand, coupled with unconditional love, is the embodiment of “perfect mothering.”

If there is anything that transcends the differences we human beings face in life, it is breastfeeding. A baby at the breast is a universal symbol of the love that is integral to healthy parenting. That symbol has been replaced, in large part, by the ubiquitous baby bottle which emphasizes not the human relationship between mother and baby but a thing that is supposed to define a baby's hunger.

The baby bottle presents a profoundly and deceptively limited view of babyhood. A baby's hunger is not just confined to the need for food but for the nurturing that breastfeeding provides the baby's entire being. When parents consider the well-being of the baby from a holistic point of view, then more parents will not use breastfeeding as a last resort but as a primary tool for healthy and humane parenting.

Revised April 12, 2006


THE NURTURING MOTHER


COMMENTARY—December 18, 2000 Perfect Mothering? As I have written often throughout my essays, I am not a perfect mother. Although I may rue this fact, I understand that perfection in life is not possible. Yet I must write once again that the purpose of my writing is not to excoriate mothers for not doing a great job of rearing their children. This Web site is supposed to provide encouraging and enlightening information about child-rearing, and if it fails to do so, then I am clearly not fulfilling my mission with this Web site. Over the past several weeks, I have received somewhat negative feedback, second-hand and direct, from some visitors to the site. I was advised by one friend to “tone down the rhetoric.” I admit that it must be difficult for some women to read that biology dictates that women breastfeed their babies on demand for a minimum of two years; that healthy babies awaken normally through the night, perhaps for years; that babies should co-sleep intimately with a breastfeeding mother; that babies should be carried in their mothers’ arms as often as possible; and that babies need their mothers. I am very frank about the needs of young babies. I am so candid that the editor of a major alternative parenting magazine informed me that my writing was “not reader-friendly and that a mother could not sit down and relax while reading one of my articles.” In other words, I have received criticism of my writing about child-rearing before. If one were to look at this Web site and declare that the information is overwhelming, I would argue that it is the reality of babies’ needs that may be intimidating. Indeed, when many parents scan child-rearing books, they want and expect to read any advice that will simplify their lives. Thus, if it means that parents will sleep better if babies are “taught” or “trained” to sleep on their own for a long stretch of time through the night, then babies will be trained to do exactly that. Similarly, if parents are told that babies will sleep longer after drinking infant formula and that infant formula is convenient, then parents may choose against breastfeeding. If parents are advised that they need to keep a distance from their babies in order to prevent them from becoming spoiled, then parents may let their young babies cry unattended for inordinately long periods of time. If one considers current standards of child-rearing, it becomes evident that the advice given is often for the well-being of parents and not the children. After perusing many child-rearing books, I would have to aver that nearly all of them cater to the well-being of parents. When they do consider the well-being of the children, the author or authors always broach parents gingerly. For example, if the subject of breastfeeding is mentioned, parents are always advised that although breast milk is superior, infant formula is just as good. The proposition that parents consider the benefits of breastfeeding is usually coupled with the reassurance that those women who cannot breastfeed should not feel guilty. The guilt of parents is always alleviated by the child-rearing experts who do not place the welfare of children first. In recent years, some pediatricians who advocate the well-being of babies have started a new approach to advocating breastfeeding: they think that parents should feel guilty for not breastfeeding. The argument is that if parents feel guilty for not properly buckling their young children into car seats or for smoking cigarettes in the presence of young children who receive dangerous second-hand smoke, then parents should definitely feel guilty about not breastfeeding. The evidence from both scientific and social perspectives demonstrates the vast superiority of breastfeeding over infant formula feeding. If the general public and health professionals are aware of the superiority of breastfeeding, then young children are surely being shortchanged since more than 30% of young children are not breastfed at all. The percentage of babies who get to breastfeed for more than a few months, six months, or even one year gets progressively smaller. It is the rare American baby who breastfeeds beyond one year of age. In other words, there are millions of parents who should be feeling very guilty about not breastfeeding their children. So what is the big deal about breastfeeding, especially in light of the fact that so few mothers choose to breastfeed? Well, breastfeeding is much more than just a source of milk for babies. Breastfeeding is the epitome of human interaction that helps to shape the humane character of a developing child. Breastfeeding, by necessity, entails intimacy between mother and child that ensures the humane development of a child. Naturally, this will not be the case if a mother spews out hateful and prejudiced views on life as she breastfeeds her child. Fortunately, most mothers who breastfeed on demand are loving, caring, and dedicated beings who exemplify humanistic attributes. Ultimately, breastfeeding requires a mother to give of herself more than she ever suspected she could. Many parents decry a mother's need to give of herself for her baby. Just consider the plethora of equipment that today's parents can buy to soothe a newborn: a pacifier to plug a baby's mouth, a toy animal that is stuffed with a tape of sounds mimicking a mother's womb, a crib and nursery that are decorated with images meant to catch a newborn's eye, a musical mobile hung over a baby to distract her, a stroller in which to rock a baby, and much more. The primary objective of all these things is to delay a mother's interaction with her baby. It is as if these things must be tried to calm a baby before resorting to the use of a mother's comforting arms and breasts. Breastfeeding is often used as a last resort as if a baby does not deserve the comfort of mother’s reassuring presence too soon. When my nephew was four months old, I was appalled to see my sister wearing a long dress that gave her exclusively breastfed baby no access to breastfeeding. Her baby cried often, and she tried to cajole him with anything and everything in order to calm him. After he screeched for a while, she finally laid down and breastfed him, her dress reaching up to her armpits. I recall that sight only because my sister had fallen prey to the common misperception that babies need everything but the breast. The breast is often viewed as a source of nourishment that can be used every few hours. The common refrain is that “the baby cannot be hungry again!” Child-rearing experts who advocate regimented parenting styles convince parents that babies do not need to drink milk more than every three to four hours even though this advice flies in the face of the biology of breastfeeding. Adults may need to eat only two or three times per day, but babies are in need of nearly constant nourishment in the early months of life. This only makes sense since, during pregnancy, the fetus receives a continuous infusion of nutrients from her mother's bloodstream via the placenta. What parents fail to understand is that infant formula, a derivative of cow's milk, is profoundly different from breast milk. An infant formula-fed baby may need to drink formula only every three to four hours because the protein in formula is so difficult to digest. In contrast, breast milk is so easily digestible that a baby may need to nurse as often as every hour. When a baby is breastfed so often, she receives not only frequent nourishment but also love, touch, caring, and attention. Breastfeeding is much more than just a source of milk, and we need to recognize that it helps to define what makes us parents and what makes our children our unique responsibility. Breastfeeding provides the indispensably important presence of a loving mother, the key factor that helps to promote a healthy child's development. If the well-being of young children was considered first and foremost, then breastfeeding would become an integral part of child-rearing practices. Although some visitors to this Web site may believe that the contents of this site are irrelevant, particularly if they chose or choose not to breastfeed, I think otherwise. The biased opinions of non-breastfeeding parents influence whether or not a new mother chooses to breastfeed her newborn. If more members of the general public are willing to speak out and to educate others about the benefits of breastfeeding, we will be that much closer to utilizing a fantastic gift of Nature that bestows good health and excellent well-being upon our young children. If breastfeeding were not so beneficial, there would be no need for this educational Web site. Breastfeeding, however, is completely underappreciated, and it is very important that we consider how much more we can do for our children. Breastfeeding on demand, coupled with unconditional love, is the embodiment of “perfect mothering.” If there is anything that transcends the differences we human beings face in life, it is breastfeeding. A baby at the breast is a universal symbol of the love that is integral to healthy parenting. That symbol has been replaced, in large part, by the ubiquitous baby bottle which emphasizes not the human relationship between mother and baby but a thing that is supposed to define a baby's hunger. The baby bottle presents a profoundly and deceptively limited view of babyhood. A baby's hunger is not just confined to the need for food but for the nurturing that breastfeeding provides the baby's entire being. When parents consider the well-being of the baby from a holistic point of view, then more parents will not use breastfeeding as a last resort but as a primary tool for healthy and humane parenting. Revised April 12, 2006