| COMMENTARY—May 27, 2006 The Fortitude to Speak Out When it comes to discussing women and their roles in life, one needs fortitude to speak out. At least this is true for me. I attempted yesterday to join a discussion forum on stay-at-home mothering. It was offered by an Attachment Parenting Web site, so I assumed that anyone who would bother to join the forum would support stay-at-home mothering. I perused various threads and chose one that seemed benign: it was about improving this particular forum. Since I had read messages that seemed to advocate SAH, I offered a simple comment that the forum probably encourages mothers who stay home. I also expressed surprise that women who did not stay home chose to visit this forum. After all, there are innumerable resources for women who do not stay home to care for their babies. It was a mild comment, and I had no intention of offending anyone. Yet I received an immediate response, and it was disturbing (if not incoherent). I was challenged to divulge why I would assume that mothers who worked outside the home would not wish to participate in this forum since women who work outside the home (WOHM, a new term for me) may be considering the leap to staying home and caring for their children. Then the same person offered a patronizing message, clarifying that there are many types of mothers, including those who work outside the home, and stay-at-home fathers. I was left to respond with an unenlightened “Huh?” What was most confusing was that this all transpired over several minutes on a site designed to discuss stay-at-home mothering. I was flustered but curious enough to read more postings. Over the course of the next hour, I read postings, and many specifically attacked stay-at-home mothers who espouse stay-at-home mothering. The experience was surreal, and it disturbed me greatly. Within a relatively short period of time, the thread was closed by a moderator who detected an enormous amount of undisguised disrespect and dissension. In the meantime, I was shaken by the animosity generated by the posting of seemingly innocent remarks. For instance, another woman posted a message that accorded with my sentiments: if it is fine for home schooling forums to discuss the greatness and value of home schooling, why is it unacceptable for mothers who stay home to extol stay-at-home mothering? Moreover, I doubt that non-home schooling parents would even bother to visit home schooling forums. Yet there are women who do not stay home, and they will join forums that advocate stay-at-home mothering. Why? Before the thread was closed, there were numerous pleas for women who advocate stay-at-home mothering to be more open-minded. The assumption is that if one values something, one has to be reticent in the name of being politically correct. *** A woman who advocates stay-at-home mothering is immediately branded as being a stubborn and narrow-minded individual. She is not permitted to exalt the benefits of stay-at-home mothering. Instead, she is repeatedly advised to be open-minded and accepting of other women’s decision not to stay home with their children. First of all, why does anyone assume that a woman who stays home is judging other women for their choices? I personally do not go around antagonizing women for not caring directly for their own children. If anything, I sympathize with them. As it stands, child-rearing does not come with any guarantees. Regardless of how much effort any woman exerts toward child-rearing, a great deal of chance and fortune is integrally related to a child’s ultimate development. There are those who appear to be healthy at birth but then develop abnormally afterward. Children may manifest deafness, speech anomalies, mental retardation, autism, behavioral problems, emotional difficulties, and much more. Children may encounter trauma, illness, and unforeseen circumstances. Nothing guarantees a child’s well-being. At the same time, the efforts to offer young children the best nourishment in the form of on demand breastfeeding, co-sleeping so that young infants and children do not feel bereft at nighttime, and a mother’s availability are irreplaceable. These tasks were always integral to human survival. Yet these tasks are deemed to be dispensable and unnecessary in the modern era. The prevalent attitude is that any surrogate care is satisfactory, and maternal care is just a matter of choice and lifestyle. This is nonsense. Human infants and toddlers need sympathetic and loving care. Who can provide this better than a loving mother? Of course there are many different kinds of mothers. The media report endlessly about cruel, neglectful, harmful, and insane mothers. How often, though, does one hear about the kind mothers who secure the well-being of countless youngsters? That kind of news is taken for granted. This is a shame because the work of mothering cannot be taken for granted. I have stayed home with my children for many years. I made a commitment to my children that involved my being available at all times to breastfeed them, nurture them, and to simply be there for them. I have benefited enormously from my work as a mother, as has my family. It is for this reason that I voice aloud my advocacy of stay-at-home mothering. By doing so, I am not putting other mothers down or judging them. As mentioned earlier, I tend to sympathize with other mothers. After all, it is absolutely true that the vast majority of women are doing their best. What if, however, a mother’s best is not really the best that she could have offered? *** I recently took my twelve-year-old daughter for her annual check-up. Her pediatrician, my friend, knows that I gave up my medical practice to stay home, and I told her years ago that I wanted to write about mothering. On this particular visit, she encouraged me to continue doing as I have been doing for years. She has admired my children and is happy to see their healthy development. My friend returned to work outside the home part-time after the birth of her first child. As a pediatrician, this basically meant that she worked part-time but was on call frequently at nighttime and on the weekends. My friend would have done anything to stay home with her two children, but she and her husband decided that it was best if she worked. My friend is an outstanding pediatrician who has helped innumerable patients. Knowing this, it was heartbreaking to hear her mention that she is concerned about her children. She thinks that they’re spoiled, and she worries about them. My friend is an excellent mother, and all I can do is offer my sympathy. Cerebral and heartfelt love cannot easily replace maternal availability and hands-on care. There is a reason why some things in life are priceless and irreplaceable. Young babies and children benefit enormously by receiving maternal care. How many women know this? In the distant past, it was assumed that a
woman would care for her own child.
Circumstances were never ideal for all women at any time in history,
except perhaps for the Minoan people in In the modern culture, in contrast, the work of mothers is sorely underestimated. The only way to evoke greater appreciation of women’s mothering abilities is for more women to speak aloud about its benefits. My pediatrician friend encouraged me to keep doing what I was doing for my children. She appreciates stay-at-home mothering and wishes she could have offered her children hands-on care. She is open-minded. Similarly, I am open-minded. I have not judged my friend for her decision to work outside the home. Moreover, I know she did her utter best. To do one’s best is important in life. For those who really do their best, there is no need to have regrets. If, at some point, they realize that they could have done more, then they can perhaps try to educate future mothers to do more. This would mean perhaps that they may cite to others the benefits of hands-on maternal care, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and simply being available. In brief, they would advocate stay-at-home mothering. Mizin P. Kawasaki, M.D. Return to Commentaries |
