TOPICS OF INTEREST
Children and Habits by Mizin P. Kawasaki, M.D. I
find that our greatest vices take shape from our tenderest childhood, and that
our most important training is in the hands of nurses.... Children must be
carefully taught to hate vices for their own sake, and taught the natural
deformity of vices, so that they will shun them not only in their actions but
above all in their heart, so that the very thought of them may be odious,
whatever mask they wear. —Michel
de Montaigne When my son was seven years old, his friend came over to play. His friend’s mother arrived to pick up her son, and the boy told her that he had found a toy in the school yard earlier that day. He held out a small Star Wars figurine, and I sensed immediately that something was amiss. My son had the identical figurine, and I asked him where his was. He went to look, and he could not find it. I advised the mother that her son should return the toy to my son. In the meantime, the boy insisted that he had found it at school although he had not mentioned it when I picked the boys up from school. I am stubborn by nature, and I refused to let the child leave with the toy. The boy’s mother implored me to understand that this was no big deal. She was obviously embarrassed, but she
refused to admit that her son had done anything wrong. Her attitude was that her son liked the toy
so much that he wanted it and took it.
She asked me what was wrong with such innocent child-like behavior. The scenario was far different, however, and I would not yield to the mother’s logic. If anything, she was illogical and unprincipled. It was evident that she knew that her young son was lying, but she preferred to overlook his misbehavior. *** Just a year earlier, a teacher’s aide in my son’s classroom asked me what it was that I had done to rear such a well-behaved child. She also saw that my three-year-old daughter behaved similarly as we strolled to the public library for a school outing. The teacher’s aide was impressed that both my children were calm, thoughtful, courteous, and cooperative. I was flummoxed by her compliment and replied that I stayed home with my children. In turn, she said that many women stayed home with their children, but their children behaved poorly and were not cooperative. At the time, I wished I had told her that I breastfed my children for nearly three years each. I knew that the practice of prolonged breastfeeding affected my children profoundly in a positive way. After recently reading Montaigne’s comments about children’s behavior, however, I realized that I have never tolerated poor behavior from my children. It sounds draconian, but this is true. I have also never used corporal punishment or a system that enforced punishment. I admit that I did use time outs perhaps twice, and the situations were laughable. My four-year-old daughter once did something that I thought was not right, so I asked her to please go to the corner for a time-out. She stood there patiently and looked at the wall. There was no outburst of anger or grief. After a few minutes, she turned around and asked if that was long enough. She had stood there in good faith, and she trusted that I would not mete out punishment unnecessarily. I think I asked her to stand there for another minute and then, I excused her and could not help but think how cute she was. Both of my children understood from early childhood that I upheld standards of proper behavior. I never told them that they were bad. Instead, they could just tell from the tone of my voice that they had done something that I did not like. This means, of course, that I have made mistakes. I have written about my foibles in other essays. The kinds of behavior that I have not tolerated include screaming, unreasonable crying, selfishness, and a lack of cooperation. Lying, cheating, and stealing were not even on my radar because I would never expect such behavior from my children. As far as I was concerned, I was available, and I deserved their cooperation because I did enough for them. *** As far as the little boy who decided to steal from my son was concerned, it was evident that his mother was accustomed to his behavior. I had seen the boy’s behavior in the classroom, and he was the class troublemaker. Later on, the mother blamed the teacher for singling out her son for his behavior. She claimed that her son was always well behaved. I cannot help but think that this mother was deluded. After all, she thought that her son’s willingness to steal from another child was acceptable behavior. Montaigne writes the following: “And it is a very dangerous educational policy to excuse our children for these ugly inclinations on the grounds of their tender age and the triviality of the subject.” [1] Young children should know that their behavior is being scrutinized not for the sake of being judged but so that they may learn right from wrong. That is a primary parental responsibility. Oddly enough, parents may rationalize their children’s behavior. Thus, Montaigne notes that “there are fathers stupid enough to take it as a good omen of a martial soul when they see a son unjustly striking a peasant or a lackey who is not defending himself, and as a charming prank when they see him trick his playmate by a bit of malicious dishonesty and deceit.” [2] Granted, my son’s friend was not malicious. The boy was, however, dishonest and deceitful. Regardless of how obstinate and stingy I may have appeared to the mother of my son’s friend, I was being utterly honest. I had no intention of permitting my son to think that it was acceptable for others to steal from him or to lie to him. Moreover, I would not permit my son to become a victim. Why should my son lose a toy and learn that his friend can steal from him? Fundamentally, if we expect our young children to become principled and honest adults, then they need to learn in childhood the meaning of right and wrong. This is very possible when a mother is home and willing to observe her child’s behavior and assess it critically. A mother’s presence in her child’s life is irreplaceable, and it is even more invaluable when she uses wisdom to help her child learn right from wrong. The foundation of early learning lasts a lifetime. Undoubtedly, individuals will err, but they do not need to harm others or cause trouble. They can learn this only if someone has taken the time to teach them. *** It is apparent that families have different levels of tolerance for certain types of behavior. It is presumptuous to think, though, that children will learn right from wrong outside the family unit. Consider current events and the plethora of lies and deception that befoul the landscape of modern living. How is a child to learn right from wrong when it is evident that adults do not even know right from wrong? The only way that individuals learn right from wrong is if parents take the time to offer young children the feedback that they need to discern how to live as a healthy and honest human being. This means that a mother’s presence in her young child’s life is unbelievably important. Not only can a mother breastfeed her child for the first few, if not several, years of life. A mother can also be available to observe her child’s behavior and assure the direction of her child’s development. Over the years that I breasted my children and stayed home with them, I have always told them that I do not wish to waste my time or energy. This means that when I take the time to point out their errors, they should know that I do it for a sound reason. Now that my children are older, they feel free to point out my aberrant behavior. I can tolerate this as long as they offer the criticism with my well-being in mind. In other words, it is all right for them to criticize me as long as they are not trying to be mean or nasty. Similarly, it is important for parents to think about the nature of the criticism that they offer their child. If it is meant to be cruel, then it surely will never help the child. The criticism has to be meaningful and helpful. Otherwise, it will be painful and harmful. *** For parents who cannot muster the resolve to criticize their child, then they should be prepared to face the consequences. The child may behave unpredictably in the future. I just hope that the child’s parents will be available to offer continued support and encouragement so that the child will eventually learn how to live in a healthy and meaningful way. There are incredibly patient parents
like the writer Anne Lamott. She offers
her perspective on parenting a teenager in an article that was published on Lamott is a gifted writer who writes about her sixteen-year-old and his friends. She describes her son's talented and intelligent friends and how they are plagued by troubles with alcoholism, drug abuse, and eating disorders. She sees the greatness of these young individuals, which is highly encouraging. Lamott’s son may be resilient and secure enough to withstand the allure of substance abuse. She is hopeful that her son will fulfill his artistic potential and live meaningfully. All parents hope that their children will be fine. In the meantime, I have a friend whose sixteen-year-old son recently organized his birthday party. No alcohol was served at the party, but some of his peers were already drunk by the time they showed up late to his party. One boy passed out; another needed to be taken to the hospital. The party was a fiasco. My friend called the parents of the boys immediately, but she could not get through to the boys’ highly educated and financially secure parents. One mother returned my friend’s call the following day and remarked only that my friend should be thankful that she was not the one who had provided the boys with alcohol. My friend was dumbfounded. The woman’s son had helped to ruin a birthday party, but she was unapologetic and not at all bothered. Thus, we are left to ponder how foolish parents are for not considering how their children’s behavior may cause others to suffer. Do children need to behave like this? No, they have no need whatsoever to behave like this. Parents are supposed to care enough to direct their children toward habits that are healthy and creative. As Plato says, “Habit is no small matter.” It is up to parents to help their children develop sound habits. They can do this only by being attentive and spending time with their children, especially during the formative years. It is always harder to change habits later in life. It is better and easier to develop good habits early in life. Parents are equally responsible for a child’s well-being, but mothers can play a significant role during the formative years by breastfeeding and offering a child astute, wise, and caring observations. Such lessons in life are universal yet utterly unique to each child. |
